I’ve been away from this blog for a bit. The reasons behind my absence are mostly personal. Maybe it’s getting up in the dark, coming home in the dark, and little focus after long days at work.
I have started a couple of essays, and they end up nowhere. I can’t think.
And I’m angry. I feel so incredibly angry about so many things and I find myself crying for no reason, at least once each day.
This morning, I wept for these dead children in Kobani, killed by ISIS, and the senselessness madness of extremism. I got myself into the shower to get ready for work, and I felt gutted by sadness.
I don’t think there is a handbook on how to cope with the horror confronting us in today’s world. And my own middle-aged woman’s sadness in my secure job, my fulfilled, first world life feels like a betrayal of all these people.
These little babies.
Charleston. France. Tunisia. Nauru. Bullies. All the rest of it.
My grief is ripping me up.
So I’m looking for small wonders. Three pelicans swimming down the river yesterday morning, my little Chihuahua holding his small stuffed mouse in his miniature paws in play, a hug from my husband, the sharp beauty of the sunset I catch just a glimpse of on the drive home if I leave on time.
Really nice people I get to talk to every day.
Maybe I have a dose of depression. That’s ok. I know it can pass.
Two years ago, I was stricken with a bout of the blues, and I did something about it.
I went to see a psychologist, and it was okay.
I didn’t visit her for all the sessions I was allotted by Medicare, but I saw her enough to know I could take some solace in the fact that life, for me, does offer surprises.
You know that scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary when she blows it with Mark Darcy and she miserably loafs around her flat?
Well, it’s been kind of like that lately. But without the rom/com foreshadowing.
He ventured out into snow, for the first time, had adventures, but I remember when I read it as a child I felt his fear and loneliness in the midst of the white, dark quiet.
It’s a little like that, too, though the snow, despite the sky overcast or moonless still casts a glow.